


Sky Painted with Stars (세상을 비추는 자)

by allisdaebaek



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Jealousy, Light Angst, M/M, Mutual Pining, Noren, implied!markhyuck, onesided!luren, rooftops and stars
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-04
Updated: 2019-01-04
Packaged: 2019-10-04 10:20:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,380
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17302856
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/allisdaebaek/pseuds/allisdaebaek
Summary: The universe he wants for himself-- he learns, comes with the price of letting loose of a few elephants in the room, running through a flight of stairs, giving up his favorite mobile game, and sacrificing a few numbers from his bank account.Jeno also learns that sometimes, it's okay to want to reach for the stars.





	Sky Painted with Stars (세상을 비추는 자)

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know what I was randomly writing -- I'll probably write a side angst luren for this though :> talk to me on twitter uwu @renjunthelight

 

\--

 

“Come to the rooftop with me?” it comes as a fleeting memory to him. _He should have known by then._

How Renjun’s eyes shimmered in anticipation -- anxiously waiting for a positive reply. _He should have known by then._

 

How hurt flashed through the elder’s eyes and how his shoulders slumped at Jeno not even looking up -- too occupied with the game he was playing.

 

He should have recognized the disappointment in the other’s voice when he simply replied, “Nevermind,” in favor of his rejection.

 

He should have known how much it meant -- how different it would have been now -- if only he just went up to the rooftop with Renjun back then.

 

\--

 

Jeno admires Renjun --- maybe more than he should be allowing himself to.

 

He couldn’t help but catch a breath every time the other unconsciously clings unto him and giggles close to his ear. Close enough for the giggle to travel like a tingling sensation, tainting the tips of his ears a bright red.

 

He wonders if the other knows how beautiful he looks -- when he sings with all his heart, when he laughs at the other members bickering, when he gets scared while watching a horror movie he himself insisted on watching, or when he simply stares at anything under the sun that catches his attention.

 

 _Okay, maybe, he did like Renjun a lot._ But as much as he likes Huang Renjun, he has trained himself of keeping his feelings at bay.

 

The same goes for when he tries not to show how irritated he is from losing in a round of Battleground. He hides his irritation pretty well, with his natural eye smiles and all.

 

The arts of deception is something he learned to appreciate over the years.

 

You could put it the same way as to when Renjun gives Mark the liberty to cling excessively to his side while wasting time in the waiting room. When Lucas or Winwin monopolize Renjun’s attention to themselves. He’s already an expert in hiding his jealousy tendencies.

 

(Or so -- he tries to tell himself.)

 

When he feels like he’s tired, and he’s about to give up on his dreams -- he hides every doubt, every hesitation in the back of his mind. He repeats to himself that fear is all output of mind fuckery.

 

You could say that being in such an industry from such a young age, he learned to keep the elephants stuck in the room.

 

Which is why even if the white noise Renjun fades into, as he shuts the door to their shared room close sends an unsettling feeling to his guts -- he drowns it away in the sounds of his character dying in the game he was playing.

 

 

\--

 

 

Jeno could tell how things changed from that night he rejected going to the rooftop with Renjun.

 

Prior to the incident, Renjun would always come up to him first asking if he wants to visit the rooftop. Even though he knew he would always be rejected --- he always would. He always would come back asking -- but something about that night, specifically, makes Jeno uncomfortable.

 

That maybe, even for that one night maybe -- he should’ve just given in.

 

Renjun would always come to him first when he wanted someone to watch a movie with. Would always come to him first if suddenly in a certain time of the day -- he wondered about something -- like Atlantis being legit and of existence, or if chicken or eggs came first, or if he wondered how sunflowers would go back to facing the sun the next day once it sunk to the horizon.

 

It’s been three days ever since, and Renjun didn’t talk to him --- not even once.

 

He goes to sleep while Jeno takes his night shower. He’s gone when Jeno is awake.

 

Even in recent schedules, he immediately sneaks in between other members during car seating arrangements. He does the bare minimum interaction in front of the cameras, still avoiding unnecessary interaction between the two of them.

 

He used to hang out with Jeno during their free time --- but nowadays he’s either working out or in the practice room.

 

He’s been going out with the other Chinese members frequently as well.

 

All of a sudden, Jeno finds himself lost in traces and bits of Renjun. His thoughts wander in the little details he didn’t notice before.

 

He may have wanted to stop his feelings from exposing himself --- but not like this.

 

The only reason he ever decided to keep to himself -- _was to keep Renjun by his side._

 

And it scares him even the slightest bit, at the thought that one day, Renjun would completely cut him off from his life.

 

 

\--

 

 

Jeno managed to get off from "The Show" slightly earlier, he rushes home, hoping to catch his roommate at home.

 

When he reaches home and as he walks into their shared room, however, it’s to the sight of Mark and Renjun cuddling in Renjun’s bed while watching a movie on Renjun’s laptop.

 

Jeno’s heart drops at the sight of Renjun leaning his head on Mark’s shoulder, with the other’s arms wrapped around the other’s smaller frame.

 

They’re sharing a blanket and Renjun even lets Mark tuck his favorite Moomin doll underneath his other arm.

 

The sight doesn’t quite sit well with Jeno.

 

He’s feeling sour as he chucks his bag to his bed in annoyance. Of what? Of  _another elephant in the room._

 

Who knows what happened to the Jeno who knew how to keep himself and his feelings in track?

 

The last few days have been one hell of a roller coaster of emotions for him.

 

When the two finally see him, Renjun’s eyes open wide in shock, and in surprise.

 

While Mark notices Renjun’s reaction, he hugs the other tighter, and pulls him closer.

 

Mark waves silently at Jeno as he gestures to the screen of their laptop, while Renjun has his vision planted to the screen in front of him, with furrowed brows.

 

Jeno walks over to see what movie they were watching. “Midnight Sun,” he says reading out the heading at the upper left side of the frozen screen.

 

The movie title rings familiar to Jeno’s ears as it registers to him that it was the movie Renjun was bugging him to go watch together the previous week which he; yet again ---- rejected.

 

Had he known that if he said yes he would have been in Mark’s current position -- he would’ve dropped every valid reasoning of his logical thinking and he would’ve said yes.

 

Then the sudden realization of how much he’s taken the times he could’ve spent together with Renjun for granted takes a toll on him.

 

He suddenly remembered how the end of the year was coming soon, and how he didn’t have much time left to spend together before they would be in different places or units next year.

 

He didn't have much time left with Renjun by his side, in the same room, same dorm, same unit. 

 

“Let me go change and I’ll go watch with you guys,” he says in panic as he grabs a set of clothes and his towel as he rushes out to take a bath.

 

 _Hopefully, he wasn’t too late,_ he thought to himself.

 

\--

 

When he rushes back to the room, freshly showered, only Mark was left inside, still on Renjun’s bed with the laptop laid out, except there’s an empty spot beside him.

 

Jeno looks at the empty spot with utter confusion until Mark speaks up.

 

“He went to hang out with Lucas at the rooftop.” Mark says fidgeting with the moomin plushie.

 

Jeno sighs as he sits at the edge of the bed, “Avoiding me you mean.”

 

Mark pats the space next to him as he drags Jeno to sit beside him.

 

“You know, Renjun is really disappointed in you.” Mark says while scrolling back to the movie he and Renjun were watching prior to Jeno’s interference.

 

“I could tell,” he replies as he stares at Renjun’s laptop wallpaper of the entire members of dream.

 

He suddenly regrets prioritizing his selfish thoughts over considering Renjun's feelings and the other members affected by their inability to breathe the same air recently.

 

“But I could tell you something else,” Mark says looking at Jeno.

 

“I could tell you why you never went with him to the rooftop..” Mark continues with an unsure tone -- as if what he was about to say could be some confidential information.

 

Mark was Renjun's favorite, of course he would tell him everything.

 

“...after all, it’s the same reason Renjun wanted you to go to the rooftop in the first place.” Mark says with closed eyes, as if he wanted to ensure himself that he wouldn’t regret whatever it was he just said.

 

The words click into Jeno’s mind like mismatched puzzle pieces. Now matter how hard he tried to decipher, Jeno still couldn’t be sure.

 

“Renjun. He’s…You see.... He’s very fond of you. Has always been very fond of you.” Mark says as he plays with the plushie in his hand.

 

“Now, I don’t think you’re gonna like what I’m about to say next..neither is it my place to tell.... but someone else is fond of Renjun as well....probably even longer than you ever had….definitely before you even did.” Jeno gives Mark a skeptical look before the other lays a hand on his shoulder.

 

“Lucas…. He.. had always been fond of Renjun. Especially when they were together as trainees. I’m telling you this now because…. “ Jeno could tell with the genuine look Mark was giving, that he was really worried about his best friend, Renjun, more than he was for him.

 

“...Well…. They’re at the rooftop…. And Lucas is probably gonna do what Renjun wanted to do for you at the rooftop the other day -- except -- for Renjun.” The elder male internally scolded himself for his incoherent nonsense at such a critical timing.

 

“Well, look, I don’t want my best friend to make rash decisions --- just because he couldn’t move on from you.” Mark says determined, while he fiddles with the corners of Renjun’s laptop.

 

“Wait. Move on from me? What?” Jeno squeaks upon processing the words that came out of Mark’s mouth.

 

“You mean to say all this time, and despite all the saliva and brain cells I've wasted... you didn’t understand a single thing from what I was talking about?” Mark looked as dumbfounded as the word itself could get.

 

“God --- help Lee Jeno.” He says while gesturing the sign of the cross and looking above him.

 

“Hold on --- Renjun likes me?” Jeno asks while backtracking to their earlier conversation.

 

“You mean Lucas likes Renjun too?” Jeno says while massaging the side of his temples with all the sudden information sinking into him.

 

“Yes -- we’re lucky you’re realising things and processed that now of all bloody times -- but if you want Renjun to stay by your side -- you gotta go leave now -- rooftop -- GO.” The other says, shoving the younger off the bed. 

 

 

\--

 

 

The trip to the rooftop took longer than what he expected. Longer than what he remembered.

 

He wonders to himself why he never indulged himself in the chance of spending time with Renjun at their rooftop.

 

He remembers how back when they were trainees -- it used to be their own little space.

 

Except it sinks into him now that Renjun is letting Lucas into that little space -- the space he tried so hard to protect, tried to make it stay hidden with all the elephants in the room.

 

He was thinking all to himself that he didn’t need change -- so he took their little moments they could've shared for granted.

 

Except he didn’t think that Renjun wanted that ---- change.

 

Maybe he should’ve given himself more credit than he thought he deserved.

 

As he opens the door to the rooftop, he realized by then that the sun had already set.

 

The sky was beginning to be painted with stars, transitioning into a deep shade of blue. He spotted Renjun ---- the two of them.

 

The rooftop was decorated in fairy lights, there’s a small fort in the middle, and dinner for two on top of a plain white picnic blanket. If Jeno would be honest, it looked so perfect, so dreamlike --- except it was one he wasn’t a part of.

 

When Jeno sees Renjun -- the other is smiling at Lucas -- that’s the happiest he’s probably seen Renjun in the past few days -- and he wouldn’t mind thinking twice about turning around and pretending he didn’t just run a flight of stairs just to risk it all--- if it meant seeing that smile on the regular.

 

That’s just what he was exactly about to do when Lucas notices his presence. “Jeno?”

 

He’s left with no choice but to proceed with his original plan --- risking it all.

 

“Hey,” he tries to say casually while shyly rubbing at the back of his nape. He makes a mistake of looking at Renjun of which the expression on his face changed crestfallen compared to earlier where he looked like someone just made him the happiest person alive.

 

“So… What brings you here?” Lucas asks with a sigh and that knowing look in his eyes.

 

“I --- I’m --” It’s too late when he realizes the words aren’t coming out. All the brave ideas crawling back to their caves.

 

_What was he doing here? Who was he kidding?_

 

Risk it all? What for? What if Mark had just been lying to him and he was the one making impulsive decisions?

 

“Were you looking for Mark? Did he leave our room -- I think he might have went to meet Donghyuck already?” Renjun asks softly looking at the blanket he was seated on tracing invisible circles, doodling them with the tips of his fingers brushing against the surface.

 

“No. No -- I wasn’t looking for him.” He assures as he stares at Renjun. Renjun who wasn’t looking at him.

 

“Then what exactly brought you here, Jeno?” Lucas asks with his eyebrows raised and a smirk playing along the curls of his lips.

 

“I… I’m here for you…” Jeno says looking at Renjun.

 

As if he felt eyes on him, he looks up and they spend a few seconds lost in each other’s eyes.

 

“Me?” Renjun asks looking between Lucas and Jeno -- as if what he had just said made no sense at all.

 

“I need to --- we need to talk.” Jeno firmly says as he looks at Lucas, hoping that through their silent exchange, he would give Jeno a chance to prove himself worthy of Renjun too. A chance he should’ve probably taken up a long time ago.

 

Lucas gets the hint and chuckles softly to himself. “Well didn’t I get you all riled up after all?”

 

“Didn’t I tell you, Little Huang? When it comes to you -- I’m always right.” Lucas says as he plants a kiss on the top of Renjun’s head.

 

If it irks Jeno -- like all the other times -- he tries not to show -- except maybe this time he fails.

 

He fails because Lucas sees through him and whispers, “break his heart again and the next time you won’t get any more chances,” as he carries his stuff, and waves his farewell at the two before leaving, closing the door to the rooftop shut.

 

When Lucas leaves, they’re left to deal with the dead silence and the awkwardness hanging in the air.

 

“So…. are you…. And Lucas….” Jeno hesitatingly starts off leaning to the rooftop barrier while facing the panoramic view of the Han River covered in darkness.

 

“Why… why did you want to talk to me Jeno?” Renjun asks cutting him short, with emptiness in his voice. Perhaps, Jeno affected Renjun more than he thought.

 

“I….why did you want me to meet you here the other day?” Jeno asks as he watches his breath condense into the cold air.

 

“I wanted…. To show you the stars that day… not that it still matters now…...anyway..... you're not answering my question... and shouldn’t you be playing games or something?” The other asks in a stern tone, but Jeno won’t budge.

 

“You know the thing about stars…. " He bravely starts, in case he might not have the courage to do so anymore.

 

At least not when they end up in different units, in countries way distant from one another.

 

"Stars.... I always thought it would be nice to only see them from afar… but…  someone told me they were closer than you think…. “ He begins as he puffs at the air in hopes of relieving his nerves because... _risk it all._

 

“When you realize how close you could be... you remember that you're not the only person in the world...." He braves himself even when he's trembling deep inside.

 

"....You realize you’re not the only one fascinated by them.. Then it sinks in that even if you can’t always end up reaching the stars ... still.... you can always try.... and somehow the thought of being selfish.. keeping the view to yourself....the temptation is too prominent” Jeno says in the form of blabbering, but he hopes the universe understands, well, _at least his universe._

 

“Jeno… what stars are we talking about… and why are we having this talk now?” Renjun says as Jeno turns around to walk over to where he was situated, and plopped down to sit facing him.

 

“I’m talking about the kind that brightens up my world,” Jeno says while looking at the galaxy he had always found in Renjun’s eyes.

 

“Aren’t we under the same sky -- in the same world?” Renjun feigns ignorance as he chuckles and settles with looking up to the sky above them.

 

“Well… what I’m trying to say is… uhm…. I’m sorry I didn’t come with you the other time….and I do really like all the moments and times spent with you… it’s just… nice that you’re always there… but then lately you’ve been avoiding me… and I realised how much I’ve been missing out...” Jeno says as he stares at the boy who’s still staring at the stars above with a sad smile on his face as he listens to Jeno speak.

 

“... I know I shouldn’t have taken you for granted… and I didn’t mean to either… " His heart breaks as he thinks of all the times he rejected Renjun. All the time wasted.

 

"I just... had to deal with…… pretending to be okay with looking at the stars from afar…..” Jeno continues as Renjun stops staring above him to give a confused look directed towards him.

 

“Jeno, you’re being very cryptic right now ---- what do stars even have to do with not spending time with me, and scientifically stars are light years away," Renjun frantically exclaims, "or are you making excuses right now because I swear --” Renjun says while his face distorts into visible hurt.

 

“I’m not making excuses, Injunnie.” Jeno says, immediately reaching over to clasp both Renjun’s hands in between his.

 

“I just came to realise that… I didn’t _have_ to just admire the stars from afar…..That I could simply just go to the rooftop to get closer to them --- _even if they chose not to shine for me._ ” Jeno says sincerely, and all while solemnly looking into Renjun’s eyes.

 

“I… I still don’t get it.” Renjun says while staring back at Jeno.

 

“For someone who has a great philosophical perspective in life-- you’re taking  quite some time to realize that I’m confessing to you right now…” Jeno manages a nervous laugh as he plays with the tips of Renjun’s fingers.

 

It takes a moment of silence and Jeno worriedly looking for any reaction from Renjun. He feels cold sweat trickle down his nape as he waits for anything to break the ice.

 

Until, he feels the other tug him closer.

 

With a smile starting to grow wider from the other male, his heart can’t help but flutter partially in relief, partially for having his breath taken away, yet again.

 

“So were you trying to call me your universe or as the stars that brighten up your world just now?” The other teasingly asks before poking cutely at Jeno’s cheeks.

 

Pretty shades of red spread faster than lightning, across his face up to the tips of his ears, and he’s pretty sure not even the night sky could save him from embarrassment. But it helps when he bows his head down before he answers, “You’re both to me.”

 

“That’s not fair, Lee Jeno.” The other playfully grabs and shakes his shoulder. Soon after, he proceeds to doing that habit of his where he's tickling the space at the underside of his chin.

 

“I was going to confess to you the other night and I even got candlelit dinner prepared and all… only for you to bail on me.. And I got lost in my own world trying to tell myself I was okay and that I’d get myself back together… yet…. you just barge into my hangout with Xuxi -- ” Jeno’s ears ring at the nickname.

 

“Lucas.” He fiercely corrects the other. To which the other just giggles in return.

 

“-- with Lucas. Then you just casually sweep me off my feet so easily -- this is totally -- not fair!” Renjun says as he mimics how Jeno was intertwining their fingers earlier as he tries to force the tears to not fall from his eyes because the past few days were mentally and emotionally exhausting -- not to mention how their schedules were so tight as well.

 

But as Jeno’s words connect altogether in his brain, he can’t help but smile in relief. Meanwhile, Jeno felt giddy as he looked at Renjun’s smiling face.

 

Finally, Renjun was smiling brightly, and face flushed-- mirroring his own shamefully tainted one. His star was right there shining just for him -- even shaming the stars scattered across the sky too.

 

A few more seconds were spent with both of them being mesmerized by each other and by how things escalated from how cryptic it was moments ago.

 

“Are you just gonna stare at me or are you finally going to kiss me?” The other asks in his trademark snarky tone as he playfully tilts his head to the side with his gaze locked at the whipped boy.

 

He answers by pulling closer, as he lets their lips collide.

 

Jeno couldn’t describe it for sure as if he tasted the stars -- because what would stars even taste like? 

 

Instead -- he felt himself falling faster than light could travel,  more intense than a burning, falling star.

 

For a little while, at their own safe place, they let themselves get lost in each other.

 

_Maybe letting the elephants in the room go wasn’t a bad idea after all._

He then realizes.

 

 

\--

 

 

“Lee Jeno, if you don’t drop that phone in 5 seconds I’m breaking up with you.” Renjun threatens as he shouts at his boyfriend’s ears that were covered by those gaming headphones he bought as a getting together gift.

 

He kind of regrets buying it, when he has to deal with the aftermath -- lack of attention.

 

He knows the game isn’t that loud that Jeno couldn’t hear him shouting --- it was obviously a choice of the other to ignore his needy boyfriend.

 

“Fine, I’m taking Moonjun with me-- we’re sleeping over at Xuxi’s.” He gives up softly as he heads over to his bed and grabs the big Moomin plushie that Jeno got for him in exchange. Renjun drags himself to his wardrobe for a change of clothes.

 

He was a petty boyfriend-- sure-- but he’s one that stuck to his words.

 

When he groggily walks past Jeno’s bed -- just when he was about to head out of their room, he gets tugged by Jeno, twirled and lifted off the ground only to be planted to Jeno’s bed soon after.

 

Jeno takes up the space beside him and pulls him by the waist into a tight hug.

 

“Don’t go Injunnie, I’m sorry --- I’ll play less,” He says as he nuzzles his face into the crook of Renjun’s neck.

 

His phone and headphones with the sound of yet again his dying character in the game he was playing -- were tossed to Renjun’s bed across Jeno’s, alongside Moonjun and Renjun’s forgotten change of clothes.

 

“First of all, you need to stop getting jealous of Xuxi. He’s my friend, Jeno,” The elder says as he softly hits at Jeno’s biceps.

 

“Also, I can’t keep fighting over a stupid game just for my boyfriend to spend time with me,” Renjun says as he pinches the bridge of Jeno’s nose.

 

The other flinches in pain but settles with leaning their foreheads together as he whispers mantras of apologies. “I’m sorry, I can’t help it --- but I’ll try not to get jealous anymore.” He half-heartedly promises while scrunching his nose.

 

“Also --- I won’t play for a week -- I should’ve known better than to neglect you.... Sorry babe…. and … I love you...” He says as he peppers kisses across Renjun’s face.

 

Maybe, he didn’t mean to tease the other so far, but he has been listening to his boyfriend disturbing him while he was playing his game. It was his rather unhealthy way of craving for affection.

 

The other chuckles in response. “Stop lying, you can never go on a day without playing a single round of your stupid game -- so -- I’m letting you off with one game per day.” Renjun says as he plants a soft peck on Jeno’s lips.

 

“And… I love you too.” He says as a soft reply while he snuggles closer to his taller boyfriend.

 

“But babe..... We should probably get a bigger bed though.. ” Renjun whispers, sounds barely audible as its muffled by his face pressed against Jeno’s chest.

 

Although he knew he was gonna get a painful deduction from his bank account -- _having the entire universe within his reach was definitely more than worth the price._

 

\--

 

(Somewhere, at one side of the same building, Mark tries to grasp his own universe -- in the form of Lee Donghyuck.)

 

(But also -- somewhere, at another side of the same building, Lucas tries to put his universe back together -- after letting go of _his brightest star_   -- the one he tried to hold onto -- except it never was meant to shine for him.)


End file.
